Archive for the ‘Midlife’ Category

We have made the decision to take a week off in August but not go away. A list of day trips to take, new restaurants to try, movies to see, gives our staycation the facade of a good idea. But I am wondering how will this really play out? It seems inevitable that already some home improvement projects are writing themselves onto the list.

As a Life Coach I have learned how to manage having an office at home. I balance in-office clients with remote coaching by using virtually any available media at my disposal. And I like the added benefit that I can sometimes squeeze in a few minutes of The View’s Hot Topics between morning sessions. Although I will take the usual steps to close my practice for that week I am somewhat leary of the fact that my work will be surrounding me in some form or other.

Then there is a bigger picture, that I don’t particularly care for where we live. I am most myself on a bustling city street or by the ocean and the fact that for now I call a rather rural part of Alberta home is difficult for me at the best of times.

I grew up a city girl; the art of hailing taxis and reading French menus was learned at young age. I know the secret of finding community & friends in your own corner of London, Brussels or Toronto. I thrive in the world of bistros, museums & the theater, city parks at lunch time and knowing when & where the best bargains are in otherwise expensive stores.

Living among all these flat fields feels well, claustrophobic. A vacation should include walks by the sea; that takes me into my own personal nirvana. Therefore the sensible decision to stay home this year is also compounding my personal frustration that by midlife I would be living in a place which truly felt like home.

I know that a better attitude might allow for some modicum of success.  Somehow though my psyche and midlife soul are just not feeling this turn of events. I don’t believe that a staycation can offer what a vacation does, I’ll let you know.

In between the self-effacing attempts at humour and the ambiguous medical reports is a woman in menopause. I have used humour myself but the truth is, it is not all that funny.  No woman enjoys the  extreme mood swings, muddied thinking, hot flashes, and assorted other symptoms that ebb and flow over a span of years. Not to mention the affect that fluctuating hormones is having on our intimate relationships.

I am not asking for drugs, quite the contrary if you look in my medicine cabinet you would die from boredom.  There is a jar of Vicks, pills for my Afib and some Bufferin.
It is the fact that nine years into the 21st century I would have expected more in the way of unbiased research and possible options.

Hormone therapy has been a roller coaster of benefits vs risks since the ‘60s this all culminated in 2002 with the Women’s Health Initiative study. Controversy continues to swirl around drugs such as Premarin and Prempro not the least of which is how it is obtained from pregnant mares’ urine.

Understandably weary of the whole HT approach of “we’ll get it right, even if we just lower the risks to your overall good health”; women started to look to the bioidentical option that has became part of the menopause fray. Suzanne Somers and Robin McGraw have marketed themselves as part of the next big menopause solution package. This is also equally unnerving.  I mean you are probably lovely ladies (call me we’ll do lunch) but in reality you are just baby boomer women; the difference is you have the money and resources to get books published and garner media hype. However you are not experts in any field.

My concern is that menopause is quickly becoming another money making health condition. Once it reaches that status we the real women of menopause; will never be offered anything more than quick fixes, snake oil scams, self-help fluff and pharmaceutical companies trying to ‘cure’ us. Or are we already there?

I have recently read a number of articles by women who write that they suddenly feel invisible. They are the ‘beautiful’ women who had a somewhat charmed life; one in which they were accustomed to getting attention and being admired. For the rest of us there were different life lessons. How to walk into a room with confidence, what clothes work, the importance of being self-assured  and that with a handshake, warm smile and eye contact you can connect with anyone. Over the years we didn’t just survive but we thrived and succeeded.

I want to remind those ‘invisible’ women; we are not the generation that ‘goes quietly into the night’.  So shoulders back, head up and find your articulate midlife voice. I am not invisible in stores,  people listen when I speak and last time I was in Starbucks I had a very engaging conversation with a young man when we both reached for the stirsticks at the same time, mind you it was a very good hair day.

There are positive things about midlife. Goals and life priorities are clearer. Never a people pleasing, cannot say no kind of woman, I now care even less what some people think about me.  I no longer worry about dust bunnies, the dogs muddy paws and how the towels are folded. I concentrate on the people and things in my life that are important to me and let all the rest go with a shrug of my shoulders.

Time has also made me a more relaxed cook and that has actually improved the meals coming out of the kitchen. I do pre-plan and shop a week ahead of time. A habit that is economically sound and allows me to make sure that I am preparing well balanced meals, especially with a diabetic beloved.

Some nights though a meal is two parts non-fuzzy things from the frig, one part what is left in the vegetable basket, combined with 1 1/2 cups of a non-descriptive rice or pasta from the cupboard. These meals are usually really tasty and it amuses me when  Chris says “We should have that again”.

When I have finished writing this post I am off to the Saturday Farmers Market, where I will pick up some fresh baking. Because while I may love home baked cookies, I also know that I don’t need to be the person measuring out the flour & chocolate chips in order to have some.

They’re out there, lurking at reunions, springing up at cocktail parties, possibly in your own living room and the numbers are growing expeditiously every year, they are The Reminiscer.

While usually around 45 or older and quite normal in appearance, conversation can be limited and often leaves you craving a milkshake or something much stronger.

Here are the signs that you have encountered The Reminiscer.

1. When invited to a costume party they have to look no further than their closet for a poodle skirt or bell bottoms.

2. Sentences usually start with “Do you remember when………… or “When I was…………”

3. Their knowledge of music ended around 1968. Some haven’t read a newspaper since then either.

4. You mention last nights episode of Heroes and they come back with the highlights from the Doo Wop revival on PBS.

5. If they have a computer they use it to forward jokes or to email you that Fleetwood Mac is having a reunion tour.

6. On their coffee table is a copy  of their high school year book and its’ not dusty.

While I can get as dewy eyed as the next midlifer when I hear the Righteous Bothers’ Unchained Melody I also happen to like Katy Perry’s, I Kissed a Girl. I think that I will keep my life balanced between Woodstock and Twitter, for me that is what makes life interesting.

Today, I am a guest on the Jungle Red Writers blog. Come for a visit and meet the five fascinating female mystery writers that started it all.

I really cannot add anymore other than to share their welcome with you:

“Welcome to Jungle Red, a salon of five mystery writers. Here, it’s all about writing. And not writing. And our search for motive in life, love, fiction and reality. Fans of classic films may recognize the name Jungle Red as a tip of the hat to Clare Booth Luce’s The Women. Like that eclectic group—we go through our highs and lows, fun and feuds with just an occasional unsheathing of our Jungle Red nails. Join us as we discuss (and occasionally diss) the world of reading, writing and publishing. All you need is an appreciation for a thoughtful turn of a phrase, admiration for a clever twist in a plot—and a sense of humor.”

There is nothing like travel to provide fodder for my observations on life. It easily starts with the fascinating people at the airport. I know that nowadays comfort is key but to that couple in the grey sweats and over sized tee shirts from some local restaurant did you suddenly decide to go on vacation on the way to clearing out the basement? And don’t even get me started on a few folks wearing PJ bottoms, I know it was an early flight but!

When we are away husband & I try to satisfy our $30- on the slot machines gambling problem in some anonymous town somewhere. While the advertising for casinos always shows happy, glamorous people in reality everyone looks serious and slightly desperate. While leaving a hotel casino $45 poorer I also noticed that no matter what province or state the red stained carpets are identical; is there a ‘Casino Carpet R Us’ that they all use?

By far though restaurants are the best places for people watching. During a leisurely lunch of perfectly chilled Chablis and a really tasty piece of salmon, I was aware of how the women were appraising each other in a manner that was reminiscent of those high school cafeteria days, only now the cheerleader, shy girl and track & field star is all grown up.

Over by the window is popular girl who has married into the country club/tennis set. She has the sweater tied around her shoulders, Hermes bag and is sporting some very expensive jewelry. In the corner with numerous family members is the cookie baking, loves her role as a grandmother type – not sure who she was in high school. Probably did well in home economics which is a class I hated. She is actually wearing her sweater, it has some sort of motif on it and she is finished off with comfortable stretchy pants. Sipping tea & honey is the forever young, still diggin’ it, 60’s love child embracing the long flowing skirt, silver & turquoise jewelry and her grey locks haven’t seen a hairdresser since 1984. We all silently but collectively hate track & field girl because she is into cycling now and is buff and tanned. She has just walked in with a man who looks like Richard Gere, so no one even cares about what she is wearing.

Who am I in the room? I was quiet library girl, now Life Coach on holiday with eclectic taste in clothes. I am wearing the J Crew chino pants, a v-neck black top that fits me in all the right places, an art deco necklace, gold earrings and leather loafers (in an eye catching shade of light green) that are  comfortable and stylish. I also never go anywhere without half of my office and a good book so handbags are not really feasible which is why I own an assortment of tote bags. This trip it was Eddie Bauer’s canvas & leather tote.

Whatever one’s individual look may be the truly great thing about being over forty is that we can be whomever we want to be. However I don’t think that I’ll be wearing my favorite sleepshirt to the airport anytime soon.

So late last year, certain things happened and I ended up sitting in my gynos office and the C word comes up. It’s ok male readers there will be no details because that is not what this entry is about. Anyway over the next six months we took certain steps and yesterday’s appointment confirmed that all is now well.

What is kinda’ interesting is where one’s head space goes during those somewhat traumatic events. For instance the first thing I wanted after yesterday’s appointment was to go to the Starbucks across the road. So I bellied up to the counter and asked the barista for a venti latte with whole milk AND a piece of banana loaf. What the heck, husband was driving.

Then on the way home I tried to remember what deal had I struck when this all began. Had I promised to enter some monastary, which wouldn’t be too bad if I didn’t have to take a vow of thou shall not use thy laptop. Or had I offered my first born to the other end of the spectrum in which case I was in trouble as that would be the neurotic chocolate lab.

Truthfully, my mental deal was far from spiritual and not even remotely noble; I had in fact promised that my healthy self would work harder to grow my business and I would find the time to write more. Now, don’t take the high road until you have been there. The brain is a mysterious thing and when backed into what it feels is a corner it is amazing what thoughts emerge. The fact is that I love working and we have a house in Nova Scotia that needs a lot of expensive renovations. The Plan being to move there in 3-4 years when the house is completely restored. The property also has a lovely little art studio (& it too needs work) which is going to be my office. So far from being mercenary, I just want to work harder on ‘The Plan’.

It is also true that in the face of an unknown one does dwell on plans not accomplished, places not visited and goals not met. So, did this experience leave me with a greater comprehension of the meaning of the time before me in which I can still tackle some of those things, yes it did.